empty_goddess

so, i thought i would post pretty much a essay of pure shit that is on my mind, on my chest, before i start my fast tomorrow, clean slate, fresh start.

first thing first - UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCKING HATE PEOPLE, I HATE PEOPLE WITH THEIR OWN HEADS UP THEIR OWN FUCKING ARSES.
Whenever my friends have a problem, i openly listen to what they have to say, and try my best to help them, comfort them, etc. But when i have a problem, its all 'oh shit, brb, the cats just had a crap' - Anything to shove me away. I grew up independent, with the thought of 'dont rely on nobody, then nodbody will let you down'
Thus leading me to be very closed, i always have my guard up, i do not throw my trust around, and i certainly stand my ground when needed, as my nana says 'im an ice maiden, would take alot to break me down and read me through, a lover and a fighter.
And ever since i was diagnosed with ana, i feel in control, so so so in control, i love feeling empty and powerful in my own mind, pathetic?...Maybe, but still.
My mum and dad work all day, sometimes even in the night, they wouldnt know if i wasnt eating if i went upto them and slapped them in the back and say 'HEY ! IM NOT EATING!'
My boytfriend, the most perfect person ever, loves me the way i am, however, how can i believe him when i dont even love myself?

This is it, i will do this, for all them people who ever looked down on me, all them ultra skinny bitches who doubted me, i'll prove it.

Ahh...after this, im going to rinse my mouth out with mouthwash, and then thats it, fresh start...<3

im back from touring, 3 months without this site was a actual nightmare.
ive put 4lbs on, which means im now 136.5lbs, gross, but on a brighter note, new day tomorrow, alot of consisting water, vitamin tablets, herbal tea and coffee, vodka for nights out.
maybe the odd sugar free lolly to keep me going, but still, no solid foods whatsoever, spesh FATTY solid foods.
fucking bring it on.